Colbert and Kimmel make fun of the news after coming back from break

I've been taking a very serious view of the news lately, with the funniest post this month so far being John Oliver and NPR explain the Sackler family/Purdue Pharma opioid settlement and that was still about a pretty grim subject. In large part, that was because two of my favorite late-night comedians, Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, were on vacation. Both returned from their breaks last night and both had funny if pointed things to say about what happened while they were gone. I begin with Colbert asking Hurricanes, Reproductive Rights, Ivermectin: Did Anything Happen During Our Break?

Stephen returns from hiatus wearing something he's calling a "mustache," and uses his monologue to get caught up on all the major news that happened during Late Show's hiatus. Did you hear about that talking duck?

Yes, a lot happened while Stephen grew his mustache — hurricanes, Afghanistan, Texas effectively outlawing nearly all abortions, and of course, the pandemic. Stephen's line that what once felt like the End Times have just become the times reminded me that my wife remarked after looking at the news over the weekend that it feels like it's one apocalyptic event after another. My response was that the pandemic alone isn't the Apocalypse, but it is an apocalypse. The same with all the rest of the calamatous events this summer.

In his return to the studio, Jimmy Kimmel is BACK and Very Much ALIVE, Jimmy K. expressed his disappointment that the health situation hadn't returned to the pre-pandemic normal. I have news for him; that isn't going to happen.

Jimmy returns to the show after his summer off and addresses the many comments of concern for his well-being, being apart from Guillermo, our new set, the number of new COVID cases being up 300% from a year ago, people taking livestock medicine to fight the Coronavirus and internet lunatic Alex Jones giving it a big endorsement, Dr. Jill Biden returning to the classroom, Jeff Bezos investing in a company that intends to reverse the human aging process, and Jimmy thanks the many talented people that filled in for him this summer and shares a video of their fondest memories from hosting.

LOL, Alex Jones. That clip showed him as even more unhinged than I remember and reminded me that "the voices in Alex Jones' head are not reliable sources." I hope my readers have all learned that by now. I hope my readers have also learned what actually works: "Mask up, keep socially distant, and wash your hands. Those will work against both COVID-19 and the flu. Stay safe and healthy, everyone!"

U.S. passes 500,000 deaths from COVID-19, a pandemic update

I closed Life expectancy fell 1 year for all Americans, 3 years for African-Americans, during 2020 because of the pandemic by telling my readers "The next milestone for the pandemic will be 500,000 U.S. deaths from COVID-19, which is likely to happen by the end of this month. When that happens, and it will, I will have an update." It took only four days to reach that grim milestone. Reuters reported U.S. coronavirus deaths top 500,000 this afternoon.

The U.S. crossed the staggering milestone of 500,000 COVID-19 deaths, nearly a year since the pandemic upended the nation.

That's the news. Good Morning America had the commentary in advance of the official announcement of the event in Dr. Fauci remarks on grim milestone of 500,000 dead from COVID-19.

Biden’s chief medical adviser discusses the staggering number of lives lost due to the pandemic and how the country will get its vaccine distribution back on track after weather delays.

I agree with Dr. Fauci. I would be very pleasantly surprised if the U.S. achieves herd immunity by April. I think we'll need to keep the rate of vaccinations up until everyone who wants the vaccine gets both doses. As I wrote last week, I expect that will take until the end of July.

USA Today has one more reaction, Pres. Joe Biden delivers remarks in memory of 500k lost to COVID-19.

President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris hold a moment of silence and candle lighting ceremony for the 500,000 Americans dead from COVID-19.
...
The U.S. once again crossed a somber COVID threshold much faster than any country in the world.

Less than a year after the coronavirus outbreak was declared a pandemic, the U.S. recorded its 500,000th death Monday, according to the Johns Hopkins University dashboard. That’s more than twice the COVID-19 fatalities registered in Brazil, which ranks second on the list.

President Joe Biden will hold a moment of silence and a candle-lighting service Monday evening at the White House to mark the enormous loss of life.

The endless hours of toiling amid death and suffering have taken a heavy toll on health care workers, who are exhausted and frustrated with those who won’t follow public health guidelines aimed at curbing transmission of the virus.

I conclude with the moment of silence itself.

'SNL' opens with Pence getting vaccinated then looks back at Trump's presidency

For the last time this year, I'm sharing clips from Saturday Night Live on a Sunday, beginning with Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open. Hi, Cornholio!

Vice President Mike Pence (Beck Bennett) and his wife Karen (Lauren Holt) receive the COVID-19 vaccine live on national television.

Oh, look, this sketch is like a "Christmas Carol" with three Vice Presidents, past, present, and future, onstage at once. Let's not forget the cameos by Rudy Giuliani and Ben Carson. No, Doctor Pyramid, no one will believe you were once a brain surgeon after the past five years. At least you were too boring to write about for the past four. Maybe if you had been handling the COVID-19 pandemic instead of Pence, things might have worked out better and people would accept that you still have "gifted hands." Nah, because Donald Trump would still have been a bad example and worse leader on the pandemic.

Speaking of the soon-to-be-ex-President, Weekend Update opened with A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency.

Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, like Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell receiving the COVID-19 vaccine.

"Barring a reverse Christmas miracle" — like a self-coup — "this is the last Weekend Update with Trump still in office." The cheer at the end of that line reminded me of the old Tonight Show skit where Ed McMahon would tell Johnny Carson as Karnak the Magnificent "I hold in my hand the last envelope," to which the audience would erupt in applause and Carson as Karnak would respond with a colorful insult in the form of a curse. I doubt Trump will be able to come up with anything as creative or funny in a retort, although he can always be more vicious.

Before I move on, I have this to say about the op-ed suggesting that Jill Biden not use Dr. Biden because she doesn't have an M.D. — go to Hell. As someone with a Ph.D. who worked hard to be called "Doctor," I fully support the future First Lady's right to be called Dr. Biden, even though she has an Ed.D., not a Ph.D. In fact, because of this controversy, I plan on making a Dr. Biden label for her.

Weekend Update had more to say about vaccines in Michael Che's Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine.

Michael Che's neighbor Willie stops by Weekend Update to discuss the coronavirus vaccine.

Micheal Che is right, none of that makes me feel better about the vaccines except that laughing at anything makes me feel better.

Weekend Update concluded with Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2020.

Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news and make each other read jokes they've never seen before live on air to close out 2020.

In case my readers don't get the joke about Scarlett Johansson, she's married to Colin Jost (lucky man!) and she's known for taking roles that people think should go to actors more representative of the role, so Che was making him tell an unflattering joke about his own wife. Now we know that he didn't look at that joke first!

That's it for "SNL" for the year and blogging for today. Off to correct more exams!