Who watches Cable News? (Teaser)

Yes, Prime Minister had a deservedly famous scene about Briitish newspapers.* Here it is.

PM Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country, The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country, The Times is read by people who actually do run the country, The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country, The Financial Times is read by people who own the country, The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."
Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"
Bernard Wooley: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."
— Yes, Prime Minister

There are versions of this for American newspapers, including this one, which mocked the previous President (say what you will about President Obama, but at least he reads the papers).  There aren't good versions of it for cable news channels, at least, not yet. The closest I've found is this one at the TVTropes link, which manages to mix newpapers and cable.

President Bob: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads and watches what. CNN is watched by people who think they run the country, The New York Times is read by people who think they ought to run the country, The Washington Post is read by the people who actually do run the country, USA Today is read by the wives of the people who run the country, CNBC is watched by people who think they own the country, The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who actually do own the country, MSNBC is watched by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and Fox News is watched by people who think it is.
Smarmy Civil Servant Alice: Mr. President, what about people who read The National Enquirer?
President's Body Man Charlie: National Enquirer readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

A wild hare** has hopped into my brain to create a list that just has cable news channels, as I find that list inadequate, but I don't have the time to do it right now.*** Instead, I'll just drop a couple of the intermediate punch lines.

Bloomberg is owned by someone who thinks he should run the country. Current is owned by someone who should have been running the country for eight of the past ten years.

UPDATE: Bloomberg Television is owned by someone who thinks he should run the country. Current TV is watched by people who think its owner should have been running the country for eight of the past ten years.

More later.

Yes, I'm watching a lot of cable TV while I'm grading papers. Speaking of which, back to work!

*I really did link to TVTropes throughout. You have been warned.
**I spelled it properly. Fanfiction writers will understand.
***Double entendre--I really should be doing something else, namely grading, so I don't have the time, and if I took the time now, I wouldn't do it right. I'm just posting this to feed the plot bunny so that it will stop running around in my brain while I'm working.

ETA: I've posted my own version of this scene for American newspapers here.