Thursday, August 6, 2015

Drinks for the candidates in tonight's debate

I concluded Proof of drinking game concept on Kasich with "Two candidates down, eight to go.  Stay tuned."  I took care of drinks for Kasich and Trump, now it's time for the rest of the candidates.  Follow over the jump for the rest of the drinking game at You Might Notice A Trend along with drinks for the remaining eight candidates.

First, Jeb Bush.
  • If Jeb says nice things about his brother's administration, take two drinks - one for Dubya and one for Cheney - and yell at the screen.
  • If Jeb brings up school vouchers, take three drinks.
  • If Jeb says there shouldn't be immigration reform, drink whole bottle.
  • If Jeb says Obama is a terrible foreign policy President, take a drink from every bottle made by the 2003 Coalition of the Willing, and then vomit on a picture of Bush the Elder. Please have towels and trash cans handy.
You can test it out on C-SPAN's Jeb Bush at Voters First Forum.

To drink in Jeb!'s honor, I recommend Florida Recount from Barmeister.
50 ml     Gin
50 ml     White Rum
50 ml     Whisky
100 ml     Vodka
1 splash(es)     Coca Cola
5 handful(s)     Ice

Add spirits and ice to blender and blend. Continue adding ice until the substance becomes a (very) thick slush. Add to glass and top off with coke. If the slush has the right consistency, the coke should rest on top for a couple of seconds. Drink with straw. If it doesn't work try again....that is what they did in Florida 2000....
If that's not enough, Drinksmixer has a Hanging Chadrecipe.
2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
2 oz raspberry schnapps
4 oz cranberry juice

Mix ingredients over ice and enjoy.
There is another version of this drink, but it only lists ingredients, not portion sizes.  Darn.
For Scott Walker:
  • If Walker brings up his union-busting habits, take a drink.
  • If Walker brings up his recall survivial, take two drinks.
  • If Walker brings up how he squashed his John Doe investigation, drink whole bottle.
  • If Walker tries wearing a Packer Cheesehead foam hat, drink from a Chicago microbrewery label and shout "DA BEARS".
  • If Walker calls himself a "job creator", throw bottle at screen.
Here's Scott Walker at Voters First Forum (C-SPAN) for a test drive.

Walker is an admitted beer drinker, so I recommend a Leinenkugel, my favorite Wisconsin beer.  What, you think I'd suggest Schlitz or Pabst Blue Ribbon?

If one prefers cocktails, the best bet is a Brandy Old Fashioned, Wisconsin's state mixed drink.  Here's Tipsy Bartender's version of the recipe.

A manly old school drink with a new twist for a new generation of drinkers...THE COGNAC OLD FASHIONED! This one is a variation of a true classic, and the taste is on point. The cognac combined with the sugar and bitters gives a unique, robust flavor. Try it!
2 oz Cognac
1 tsp Sugar
2 Dashes Bitters
Orange Wedge
Crushed Ice
The next candidate doesn't drink alcohol, but that shouldn't be a problem.
For Mike Huckabee:
  • If Huckabee claims he's a strong judge of character, scream "you hang out with child molesters!" and throw bottle at screen.
  • If Huckabee talks about jamming with Ted "I Worship My God-Gun" Nugent, take two drinks and throw bottle at screen.
  • If Huckabee tries to compare anything to the Holocaust, light a memorial candle and throw bottle at screen.
  • If Huckabee tries to talk about stricter prison laws, or looser law enforcement rules to "fight crime", take a drink for every cop who died because of his asinine pardons as governor (5, at last count) and throw bottle at screen.
  • If Huckabee appears on the screen, throw bottle at screen
Huckabee apparently didn't show at the Voters First Forum, so no C-SPAN video of him to try out these rules.  No matter.  Skip to the drink.

Since Huckabee is probably candidate best known for being a teetotaler, I'm going to share a mocktail.  All Recipes has just the one--Monica's Baptist Sangria.
1/8 (2 liter) bottle lemon-lime flavored carbonated beverage
1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon instant tea powder
1/8 oranges, sliced into rounds
1/8 lemon, sliced into rounds

Pour the lemon-lime soda into a [glass], and stir in the instant iced tea. Float the orange and lemon slices...and add ice. Serve immediately.
Were you expecting a Virgin Mary?  That's Santorum's drink, so save that for the early debate.
For Ben Carson:
  • If Carson gets a non-Obamacare question, take a drink.
  • If Carson actually answers a non-Obamacare question with a reasonable-sounding policy suggestion, drink whole bottle.
  • If Carson talks like he's taken notes from Rick Perry, take three drinks.
Once again, here's the C-SPAN clip of Dr. Ben Carson at Voters First Forum to test this section.

Carson is a surgeon from Detroit, Michigan, so I could go with either his career or his hometown.  I'll start with his career and share Drinksmixer's recipe for the Bleeding Surgeon.
1 shot dark rum
1 slice orange
1/2 glasscold Mountain Dew® citrus soda
1/2 glass cranberry juice

Pour Shot of Rum over slice of orange. Fill the remaining space in glass half way full of surge or similar drink. Finish off glass with cranberry juice. Be carefull, warm surge may foam over the glass.
As for Detroit, I'll save that for last.
For Ted Cruz:
  • If Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, drink whole bottle.
  • If Cruz says anything about the legislation he's nuked in the House - while serving as a SENATOR - take a drink.
  • If Cruz employs oratory tools that rely heavily on the teachings and practices of Cicero and Pericles, take two drinks.
  • If Cruz not only panders on the issue of a Government Shutdown over Planned Parenthood, but also claims to have locked every door to the Capitol Building and threw away the key just to make certain, drink whole bottle.
  • If Cruz fails to joke about Obama being born in Kenya, drink the entire bottle of whatever Canadian brand is in front of you and throw empty bottle at the Calgarian Candidate.
Since the original game is playing up Cruz's birthplace, so will I by sharing the Calgary Herald's recipe for Stampede Caesar.
  • Rim: Fresh cracked salt and black pepper with steak spice
  • 1 oz Alberta premium rye whisky
  • 4 dashes Worcestershire sauce
  • 2 dashes hot sauce
  • 3 pinches steak spice
  • 3 grinds fresh cracked salt and black pepper
  • 1 oz beef stock
  • 3 oz Mott's Clamato Cocktail
  • Garnish: Grilled Alberta flank steak on a skewer
  • Method: Rim a highball glass with citrus and rimmer. Fill the glass to the top with ice. Add the ingredients in the order listed. Stir well to mix the cocktail, and garnish.
The paper even posted a video to show its readers how to make a Stampede-inspired caesar cocktail.

Oh, I almost forgot, test the rules on Ted Cruz at Voters First Forum (C-SPAN).

Prepare to drink heavily when Cruz is talking.

Now from one Cuban-American candidate to the next.
For Marco Rubio:
  • If Rubio talks about his exaggerated family story where his parents fled Cuba well before Castro took it over, take a drink.
  • If Rubio speaks against the opening of relations with Cuba, take two drinks.
  • If Rubio finishes the whole night without saying one word about immigration, finish off the bottle.
  • If Rubio any says anything in Espanol, drink whole bottle.
Now, here's Marco Rubio at Voters First Forum (C-SPAN).

The easy choice for Rubio is a Cuba Libre.
2 ounces Cuban-style rum
4 ounces chilled Coca-Cola, preferably Mexican Coke
Wedge of lime
If you want to mix and drink something more adventurous, how about Tipsy Bartender's Mojito?

The Mojito is classic cocktail that was born in Cuba. It's the perfect mixture of mint, lime, rum, simple syrup and soda water. It's super easy to make and extremely delicious. Enjoy!
1/2 Lime
12 Mint Leaves
1oz Simple Syrup
11/2oz White Rum
Top with Soda Water
Yum!  Too bad the test clip only yielded one drink, and that from the general rules.
For Rand Paul:
  • If Paul mentions the gold standard, take a drink.
  • If Paul discusses the need to end American interventionist activity, take a drink.
  • If Paul still says we need to bomb Syria though, take four drinks.
  • If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (in legal states only).
  • If Paul revs up a chainsaw, switch the TV over to Evil Dead II and watch a real expert - BRRRRRUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEE! - wield one.
Let's see how these work on Rand Paul at Voters First Forum (C-SPAN).

No drink says Kentucky more than a mint julep and Tipsy Bartender has just the recipe in How to make the Perfect Mint Julep.

Once again it is time for the great Kentucky Derby. There is no drink more synonymous with this horse race than...THE PEFECT MINT JULEP! At this race one can buy Mint Juleps for as much as $1,000 a glass! The proceeds go to charity so we won't knock anyone for buying one, but in you aren't attending the most exciting two minutes in sports, you can make one yourself at home, and we promise it'll be just as delicious! It is the perfect mix of mint, bourbon, and sugar. If you find straight whiskey a little too harsh, the ingredients in a Mint Julep soften the taste to pure smoothness. This famous, traditional drink is definitely a cocktail that everyone should try!
10 mint leaves
1 cup bourbon
1/4 cup simple syrup
1 tbsp powdered sugar
And now, the last candidate.
For Chris Christie:
  • If Christie tries to quote Springsteen, throw bottle at screen.
  • If Christie tries to punch somebody on stage, take a drink.
  • If Christie tries to punch one of the debate moderators, take three drinks.
  • If Christie tries to punch a teacher in the audience, finish whole bottle.
  • If Christie gets arrested during the debate over his ethics failures and dragged off-stage, drink whole bottle
Here he is inChris Christie at Voters First Forum (C-SPAN).

So what am I recommending for Fat Bastard?  How about The Snooki Bubble-Up to commemorate his denying "Jersey Shore" a tax credit.
3/4 oz. lemon-lime soda
3/4 oz. cranberry juice
1 oz. "Three-O Bubble" (bubble gum-flavored vodka)

Combine ingredients with ice and garnish with a lime wedge.
For a more classic drink, Drinksmixer has a recipe for Jersey Devil.
1 gal cranberry juice
2 qt apple cider
1 qt Applejack® brandy
1 sliced apple

Put cranberry juice in a punch bowl. Add apple cider/juice and apple juice brandy to taste. Slice apple in 3/16th.
And now, The Last Word, a drink from Detroit in honor of Ben Carson.
Equal parts gin, chartreuse, maraschino liqueur, and fresh lime juice, this is an old-fashioned cocktail that feels awfully modern. Its equally-portioned ingredients make for easy scaling: mix up a triple or quadruple batch to serve several drinkers at once.
makes One Cocktail
3/4 oz. gin
3/4 oz. green Chartreuse
3/4 oz. maraschino liqueur, like Luxardo
3/4 oz. fresh lime juice
Twist of lime for garnish
Vigorously shake all ingredients together with ice. Strain into a martini glass or a coupe and garnish with lime twist.
Enjoy the debate and don't get too blitzed!


  1. Are you drunk yet? Did it work? Didddddajajajwwaki;segf 48yoihsl. kj 40glkj h h lkjih 345 sober 39u ;hj ws er oops I drunk not as much as I think I are. Hic.

    1. I haven't begun to drink yet. I'm leaving right now to join my wife in the living room to watch.

  2. I didn't watch (not that I could Down Undahere without great effort to find the derpbates on teh Internets tubez and taking into account the time difference). That's because I only have X number of hours in the day, and indeed, in my remaining lifespan. So why should I waste any minutes of them watching pompous mooks mouth programmed talking points? I even feel slightly guilty about the frittering of time I spend reading commentary on the event from my favourite American political blogger, Charles Pierce of Esquire magazine. At least he's witty and sarcastic, as opposed to stiff and tedious like the candidates. Plus I can read a few graphs, walk away from the 'puter and do something useful around the flat, then come back to absorb more.

    I suppose it's a case of confirmation bias, learning about the details of something from someone whose view I already share. But I can't imagine much that I would learn from the analysis of someone who's broadly in agreement with the Repiglickin philosophy, which I consider to be sociopathic and in denial of reality.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Thanks for linking to Charles Pierce. This line was classic: "These people will beg for money from aging gargoyles like Foster Friess."

      Thanks for reminding me that I have an entire entry dedicated to making fun of Foster Friess. Back where I come from, that's the name of an ice cream stand. Also, I agree with you; you wouldn't learn much from people who are so in denial of reality that they don't even know they're out of touch.

  3. I should warn you I am beginning work on the September drinking game for the GOP. The national dialog has changed this past month, the wacky hijinks way crazier, and so the rules need updating... If this is the opportunity to change drink orders, now is the time.

    1. Thanks for the heads up. I'm keeping the same drinks for the same candidates. About the only change I foresee is adding a drink recipe or two for Carly Fiorina, who has an outside chance of bumping Chris Christie or John Kasich out of tenth place. I'll just add them to your new rules.

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Sorry, that's so blatant that it's going even though it's on topic. Deleted.