Thursday, December 3, 2020

Noah, Corden, Colbert, and Kimmel make jokes about Trump potentially pardoning his family and friends

A day after posting Colbert, Kimmel, Noah, and Corden make comedy out of post-election drama, 28 days after the vote, I'm going back to the well of late night talk show hosts to examine another story in the news yesterday, Donald Trump issuing presidential pardons. I begin with Trevor Noah, who asked Will Trump Pardon Himself, His Children, and Rudy Giuliani?

Trump eyes preemptive pardons for his family, Giuliani asks the president for his own pardon, and rogue lobbyists may have offered Trump cash in exchange for clemency.
I think the answer is yes for at least some of them, especially if he can get someone to write it for him. As for pardoning himself, that would mean he thinks he did something wrong. I wouldn't bet on that.

Pardons were also the main topic of James Corden's monologue, 'Tis the Season for Presidential Pardons.

James Corden looks at the headlines, including reports of an investigation into a possible pay-for-presidential pardon scheme, and reports that President Donald Trump is considering pardons for most of his children. And James admits he's not cut out for the swingers lifestyle.
Colbert likes making Eric the butt of jokes about which of his children Trump ignores the most, as you'll see in the next video, but Corden knows it's really Tiffany. I'm with Corden on that.

Before I move on, the "whale vomit" Corden is rambling on about is almost certainly ambergris, which is produced by sperm whales. I could write an entire post explaining what it is and answering his questions, but that would be a distraction from the subject at hand. Some other time.

Stephen Colbert didn't mention pardons in the title or video description of President Vents His Election Grievances In Conspiracy Theory Fueled Facebook Rant, but he did have a great visual aid about who among Trump's children and friends did what.

The president brought along props for his 46-minute ramble of a speech posted to Facebook, but even he seemed to understand how poorly his lies would be received.
I don't agree that there is no wrong match; I'm pretty sure Ivanka has never paid off a porn star for her silence. Meanwhile, the prospect of a presidential pardon extended Joe Exotic's 15 minutes of fame. Joe Exotic also made a cameo in Jimmy Kimmel's monologue, Trump Superspreads Christmas Cheer at White House Party, who at least included pardons in his video description. Kimmel always has the most comprehensive video descriptions for his monologues.

Jimmy reveals his top Spotify song and artist of the year, the Trump administration reveals the roll out plan for the vaccine, Jimmy has an idea to help keep the vaccine cold enough during distribution, the McRib makes its glorious return, Donald and Melania host a superspreader Christmas party at the White House, the Pences unveil their holiday decorations, and Trump considers a long list of pardons including a very interesting one for the Tiger King himself, and a battle of the ages where we pit 87-year-old Bobbe against 15-year-old Asiyah in a new Generation Gap with special guest George Clooney!
"To beat a sleepy Joe, it takes a crazy Joe." That's a great slogan, but it will never happen for no other reason than Trump not tolerating someone else stealing the spotlight from him, which Joe Exotic would. Also, unless he's switched parties lately, Exotic is a Libertarian, not a Republican, and he proved himself too weird even for the Libertarians. Still, great joke.

Finally, I know the answer Kimmel was looking when he asked "who was the best Batman" was George Clooney, who certainly is the most famous actor to play Batman followed by Ben Affleck, but I would have been a smart aleck and said Christian Bale or Kevin Conroy, who was the voice of the animated Batman. That would have been on par with what I told a barista years ago.
I used to frequent a coffee shop chain (not the one named after the character in "Moby Dick," speaking of whales) that wrote a question of the day on a blackboard by the cash register. Back then, if a customer answered the question correctly, they would get a credit on the company's frequent customer program. One day, the question was "what is the hippopotamus's closest relative?" I told the cashier "the answer you're looking for is the pig, but it's wrong. The correct answer is the whale." She still punched a hole in my frequent customer card.
Unlike the barista, I don't think I Kimmel would have given me the 50 points, even if I thought my answer was correct and I asked him to "pardon me" for my opinion.


  1. I'm worried about that three-million-dollar blob of whale barf. The Republicans may nominate it for president in 2024, if Trump isn't available (or if they can't tell the difference).

    1. HAHAHAHAHA! I'm pretty sure it isn't from inside the U.S. and 35+ years of age, so I wouldn't worry about it.

  2. Not only is your spam on-topic, the page you're advertising has interesting, if somewhat inconsistent, information. It also reads like it was written by a computer, not a human. Still, it passes muster and gets to stay. Lucky Viking!

  3. I found out why you left a comment yesterday: Kevin Conroy, longtime voice of Batman, dies at 66. That makes your spam opportunistic and a bit ghoulish. Complaining about the former is like complaining about water being wet; I think all comment spam is at least a bit opportunistic. The latter bothers me more. Also, the first paragraph of your linked post is downright misinformation. According to Conroy's Wikipedia page, he was married to a man and is a New York native. That written, I'm letting your spam remain with this response as a warning to potential readers.